I suck

At blogging, that is.

Seriously, almost a year between posts?  Inexcusable.

I doubt anyone still bothers to drop by.  I wouldn’t!

But on the off chance someone does…hi.

 

 

And so it goes.

I am a bad blogger.  Knowing is only half the battle.  But since there are so many battles in life lately, I have to pick the ones I attend to.

Sleep?  Still an issue, but marginally better.  Stinkadore is still firmly ensconced in my bed every night. At the pediatrician’s suggestion, I did try to transition him to his own bed.  Ha.  He’s not hearing any such nonsense, and proceeded to work himself up to the point of puking on the 2 attempts I made.  Afterwards, it took almost 2 hours to calm him down from his frantic state of near hyper-ventilation.  Co-sleeping is here to stay, apparently.  Baby Gnome is at least in her own crib, but still wakes up at least once a night.  She is getting pretty good at putting herself back to sleep, but wakes me up in the meantime.  I have had insomnia issues my entire life, so getting back to sleep once I finally do get there is hard. Because of the above mentioned co-sleeping situation, I don’t dare take any kind of sleep aid.

Farty’s behavior?  Eh.  He has days where he is so loving and the sweet natured little boy I love so much.  Then, like flipping a switch, he turns into a demon, complete with screaming, hitting, throwing things, and a complete refusal to listen to anything anyone says.  It’s exhausting.  He has been attending a summer school program for 2 hours a day, and reports there are that he’s an angel.  So, at least I know the capacity is there.  He starts half days at preschool this fall, so I hope he continues to act semi-human at least in public.

Work is as stressful as ever, not so much because of the amount, but the type of cases.  There is far too much child sexual abuse in the world.

On that cheery note, have a happy 4th.  I leave you with a picture of Stinkadore, who is perpetually smiling.

In which I humbly apologize for my slack-ass self…

Yes, we are alive and well.  Well, alive.  The kids are well.  I am exhausted. 

Sleep is still an issue in my house.  Fudd is sleeping great…because he sleeps next to me.  Gnome? Not so much.  She won’t sleep anywhere.  I’m still up 4-5 times per night with her.  She doesn’t eat, she’s just up and wants everyone else to be up too. 

Healthwise, they’re doing remarkably well.  At their 6-month check up, Gnome weighed in at 19lb, 1oz and was 27.75 inches long.  Fudd (who, incidentally, has been renamed ‘Stinkadore’) was 22lb, 6oz and 30 inches long.  Both are above the 95th percentiles for weight and height, even without adjusting their age for being preemies. 

Farty’s behavior is still not great.  He is a beast any time I try to leave the house with him.  I am dreading all the calls I’ll be getting from his Pre-kindergarten teacher starting this fall.  He absolutely refuses to listen to anyone but Grandpa. 

Ceara is doing typical teenage girl stuff-being moody, staying in her room on her cell phone, and finding ways to make me crazy, but nothing serious.  She actually adores the babies, especially Gnome, and Gnome can often be found in Ceara’s room as well.

Relationships with the twins’ dad are strained on a good day, horrific on a normal day.  He wants me to just let him take the babies whenever and wherever he wants, which is joke. He has no clue how to take care of them, and overall, makes more work than help.  His mother constantly harps that the babies are obese, I feed them too much, I give Stinkadore medication he doesn’t need (he has reflux and takes Zan.tac).  I also take crap from her for not letting her have them pretty much all the time.  Because she basically raised her other granddaughter, she assumed I would give birth and disappear and leave her to do the same with my babies.  Ha.  That woman is a boil on the ass of humanity.  And she seriously wants me dead.

I suppose I should aspire to do some work today, since I bothered to show up.  I’m too tired to be very productive these days.  I’ll leave you with a recent pic of Gnome and Stinkadore:

How it really is.

WARNING: WHINING, BITCHING AND GENERAL UNGRATEFULNESS AHEAD…

So, how is it, having twins?  Well, let me tell you how it is, 8 weeks in…

About 90% of the time, it is hell on earth. 

These babies do not sleep at night.  At all.  I am up anywhere between 20-30 times each and every night.  I have not slept more than 2 consecutive hours in the past 8 weeks.  I have not taken a nap since they were born, simply because they do not sleep at the same time during the day, so there is always a screaming baby.  Always.  Before offering suggestions/advice, here is a condensed list of what I have tried, NONE of which has worked:

• swaddling
• not swaddling
• pacifiers (which I hate, because every time one pops out, I have to get up to put it back in.  This accounts for probably 15+ trips out of bed for me)
• white noise in many forms:  fan, vaporizor, ‘mommy bear’ womb sound maker, tv, crib mobile music
• bath before bed
• no bath before bed
• earlier bedtime
• later bedtime
• gripe water
• mylicon drops
• cereal added to bottles
• single crib
• separate cribs
• propped up in infant lounger/hammock
• not propped up
• night loight
• no night light
• co-sleeping (which I was determined not to do again, but moot point since it doesn’t work anyway)
• less napping during the day
• unrestricted napping during the day
• rocking, walking, swing, and other various attempts at motion.  Sure, they’ll fall asleep in the car, but that doesn’t help me.
• desperate visit to pediatrician, who assures me they are fine

Most of the nightly antics are not due to hunger.  They only eat 2, maybe 3 times at night.  They just will not go to sleep afterwards.  It is usually a 2 hour production per baby to get maybe 20 minutes of sleep.

When you have more than one baby, and are single, the things you get to cherish and linger over with a single baby don’t exist.  Your life becomes an assembly line.  You don’t get to spend hours rocking, snuggling and staring at your baby, because there is always another baby to rock and, maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll get at least one of them to stop screaming.  No fun time playing in the bath, because there is another baby to bathe…. and he/she is screaming.  No lingering over breastfeeding, because, you guessed it, there is another baby to feed… and he/she is screaming.  I am trying so hard not to resent that I really don’t get to ‘enjoy’ motherhood this time around.  It’s more about surviving it.  I keep asking when these 2 will turn into humans, rather than the screaming demons they seem to be.  Because their corrected age is only 4 weeks, I know logically that it’s too soon to expect them to smile to acknowledge my efforts, but the exhausted, hormonal mess that is me is hurt, overwhelmed and yes, a little resentful.  Ceara and Farty are basically living with my parents because the screaming keeps them awake at night too, and I don’t need them sick due to sleep deprivation.  My house isn’t big enough to keep the noise contained.  I hate the thought that my kids may feel I ‘sent them away’ because I had two more babies.  Farty has been acting up terribly, and is so angry he wants nothing to do with me.  It is killing me. He screams and has awful tantrums because he wants to go back to grandma and grandpa’s house.  He doesn’t want to stay with me.  When I go to pick him up, he slams their door and locks it, screaming at me to go home, and he’s not coming with me.  Ceara’s grades are dropping, and I don’t know what to do.  She is mouthy and moody.  She has talked about going to live with her dad, until he informed her he can’t afford to bring her to visit for Christmas this year.  Now she appears to hate us both equally. 

I really tried at breastfeeding.  I did.  But I can’t do it.  I have had supply problems from the start, but was able to give Fudd pumped breastmilk exclusively the entire 2 weeks he was in the NICU, and Gnome got 1 or 2 feedings of breastmilk a day. That all went to hell when we got home.  I was so stressed and sick from the whole NICU experience, lack of sleep and general misery that I’ve had awful diarrhea and can’t eat.  I have lost 55 lbs since giving birth 8 weeks ago.  I only gained 22lbs during pregnancy, so this is quite a dramatic change.  I am not able to eat/drink enough to sustain production of breastmilk.  My letdown reflex is so slow that they scream from frustration because they don’t get anything for so long when they’re hungry.  Ironic, since it took Fudd 6 weeks to be strong enough to nurse, and now that he’s willing and able, I have almost nothing for him.  Gnome was able to nurse from the start, but I sent the majority of my milk to the NICU for Fudd because he was having trouble digesting formula.  I simply don’t have time to pump during the day, because I always have a screaming baby in my arms.  I have one now, in fact.  I tried a rx for Reglan, but it caused so much twitching in my eyes that I had to stop 3 days into it.  Another moot point, since I don’t EVER get 20 minutes uninterrupted to pump.  It makes me so sad, because I was so committed to trying to breastfeed or at least pump for 6 months, if not more.  I haven’t dried up completely, but there’s not much there.  I go back to work Monday. I get breaks, and could pump then, if I have anything left by then.  I’m not too optimistic.  In the hospital, I could get 4-6 oz per session.  I managed a whole 3 oz after 20 minutes on the pump in the one time I managed to get to the pump early this morning when my stepmom stopped by and watched the babies while I pumped.  It’s hardly worth the effort. 

I feel like the biggest piece of crap in the universe.

Happy Halloween from the Gremlins!

Grace Adison and Harrison Jax(officially christened ‘Garden Gnome and Elmer Fudd’) arrived unexpectedly on September 22, 2011 at 7:29 and 7:36PM. I went to an OB checkup that day, only to be put in a wheelchair and wheeled over to L&D. Turns out I was 5+cm dilated, 80% effaced…and had a BP reading of 145/100. Needless to say, I wasn’t returning to work that afternoon. Sorry Judge, but that subpoena I had for court that day wasn’t gonna get me to appear! Hope I don’t get arrested my 1st day back at work!
It was an uncomplicated vaginal birth, no rips or tears. I needed pitocin because my uterus was so distended that my contractions weren’t very effective, probably why I didn’t realize I was in labor.
Grace arrived first, followed by her ‘big, little brother’ 7 minutes later. Despite being almost a month early, they weighed in at a respectable 5lb, 13oz and 6lb, 4oz. 18.75 and 20.25 inches. Prince Harry spent 2 weeks in the NICU for respiratory distress and to learn how to eat (had no suck/swallow/breathe reflex). Princess Grace was discharged from the hospital with me. Census was low so the hospital let me keep my room to stay near the NICU for those 2 weeks. We got home October 7th, and pretty much I have no time for anything but feeding, changing, rocking, etc. Times 2.

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Representing the Badger State!

36 weeks…

And we got shit happening! After baffling my OB last week with a closed, long cervix, imagine my surprise to have him inform me today that I’m 70% effaced and almost 3cm dilated. He could feel Baby A’s head when he was scoping out my cervix, so he is anticipating that my wait is nearly over. My uterus is measuring 44/45cm and I am miserable. On top of that, I’m on antibiotics AGAIN for another sinus infection, which means I’m also on Monistat AGAIN for the inevitable yeast infection. Which will no doubt recur, since I also tested + for Group B strep and will be subjected to IV antibiotics during labor. Ick.

My blood pressure is starting to creep upwards, and the swelling in my feet is horrific. Even the flip flops I bought in a size too big are digging in. Its extremely painful. I’m also getting some swelling in my hands and face. My pee sample was normal, but because of the swelling and 7lb weight gain this week, l was promptly ordered for bloodwork to check liver enzymes, platelets, etc. We’ll see what they say about that tomorrow.

Babies still are doing fine according to the non-stress test. At my 34 week u/s, A measured 4lb 13oz and B was at 5lb 11oz. If the growth of my uterus is any indication, they’ve grown quite a bit in the 2 weeks since.

I have another appointment Thursday, assuming I don’t go into labor before then, and that the labwork results aren’t weird. If I’m still waddling around after that, I have another u/s next Monday.

In other news, I was just awarded a National Health Service Corps contract, which pays off my entire $60,000 student loan in exchange for 2 years at my current job. Since I actually like my job and wasn’t planning to quit any time soon, this is like a dream come true. To have almost 20 years of loan payments lifted from me is an amazing feeling.

Well, I’m off to do some ‘nesting.’ My hospital bag is packed, diaper bag is packed and in the car, carseats are installed, and bathroom is cleaned. I’m about to put my last load of laundry in the dryer and write out some bills.

Can you tell I’m ready to be NOT pregnant?!?

And Assface cracks

Pastor Assface has officially ‘unfriended’ me on FB. It makes me laugh knowing that he did it 1st and saved me the hassle.
My stepmother is of course blaming me, saying I never gave him a chance, that I’ve been terrible to him, blah, blah, blah.
Whatever. What kind of ‘pastor’ blocks people from his FB page? The kind who has been called out on his bigotry and doesn’t like it?

I’ll leave you with his final quote, the one that would have had me hit ‘block’ if he hadn’t done it first. He actually had the nerve to say to the 8th grade catechism class: ‘Adam was for Eve, not Steve.’ And with that, I bid you adieu, assface.

A few quotes from Pastor Assface

I thought it might be fun to give a few actual quotes from Pastor Assface, courtesy of Facebook. I have set my privacy settings so he can’t see my posts, but I still see his wall, just to further justify my feelings that this guy is no man of God. The *’s are my commentary- be prepared for snark.  I did a direct copy/paste, and fought with ‘spell check’ to preserve as much of his stellar grammar as possible.

#1. If I didn’t have a wife and five kids I would be somewhere overseas where people have an actual interest in the Gospel. I am so fed up with American Christianity….

*Gee, don’t you think the congregation, you know, the people who SUPPORT him, his wife and 5 kids, should know his disdainful, condescending attitude toward them?

#2. The more I hear and read Dr. Kleinig and others, the more I realize that this nation, the so-called American Christianity is nothing more than a sham, a fake, etc…. The so-called “Christians” who come once in a blue moon have never been “Christian.” This nation has never been “Christian” and people who shop around for churches like people who look for clothes are outside the kingdom and Jesus never knew them.

*Really, he knows who Jesus has in his rolodex? And people aren’t ‘real Christians’ if they look for a church that feels comfortable and real for them?  What about the poor unsuspecting people who transfer IN to his church?  Is he saying don’t bother, you can’t be ‘real Christians’ if you weren’t born and raised in his church?  What about himself?  He wasn’t born into this church, he had to have wandered in from another (aren’t we just the lucky recipients)?

#3 (in response to a guy who said he appreciates the freedom to attend the church he chooses, as often as he chooses):
David, the sad thing is that “choice” led to a complete disregard for the Lord and His gifts (see Luther and his preface to the Small Catechism). It is only in persecution do we find Christians who are truly in the Word at all times. St. Paul reminds us that faith comes by hearing (not reading) and that Jesus Himself reminds us that eating His Supper gives us life, the forgiveness of sins, and Himself. There are more Lutherans in church on a Sunday morning in Africa than the entirity of the North American continent simply because they know and understant that their blessings, forgiveness, and life come soley from Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. St. Paul reminds us that we cannot be lone ranger Christians, that we must be apart of Christ’s body (the church) and that the writer to the Hebrews also states that we must not neglect the assembly (the church). Plus you have the whole 3rd commandment thing thrown in.

*And now he can read minds, he knows what I disregard and what is important to me. And apparently the only place God hears your prayers is in the church of Pastor Assface.  Good to know, here I’ve been wasting my time and prayers in a church led by a pastor who believes we are all equal in the eyes of God, and that he hears us no matter where we’re praying from.  Speaking of hearing, it seems according to the above comment, you can only be Christian if you hear the word of God.  Nice to know he is casting all the hearing impaired out of  ‘the church.’

So, there’s a small sample of the doctrine of Pastor Assface. This kind of stuff is a daily occurrence. I am confident that shutting this guy out of my life is a sound decision. What do you think?

And now its 33

And I’m still a whale. A beached one, more often than not.
Cervix still tightly closed. BP a normal 128/72. No protein or sugar in my pee sample. Non-stress test ‘very reassuring.’ Belly measuring 40 weeks/cm. So, if I’m supposedly doing so ‘great,’ why am I so miserable????
Ok, that was whiny. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. 5 weeks just can’t go by fast enough!

32 weeks and I’m a whale

Although my OB assures me my weight gain is in normal, even ‘low-normal’ range, I am finding it increasingly difficult to maneuver myself. Getting in and out of my bed/car/chair is a debacle. I will likely be giving up my nightly bubble bath because its damn near impossible to get out of the tub.

My blood pressure was slightly elevated upon arrival at my appointment, but when I explained my mad dash to get there on time due to a flat tire and various other calamities that kept me from getting anything done today, the doc agreed to re-check in 10 minutes, and sure enough, it had dropped to 132/72. Higher than my not-pregnant BP, but still okay I guess. My feet are swollen and disgusting, but not enough to gain any concern. There was a ‘trace’ of protein in my pee sample, but nothing he’s worried about.

Can I be vain for a minute and say that I’m really annoyed by the brown spots on my face? They keep getting bigger and are more like patches than freckles now. I know, they’ll supposedly go away, but it looks like my face is dirty.

Babies are doing fine, ‘A’ is definitely still head down, and engaged pretty low in the old pelvis. I hope this poor baby doesn’t come out with a dented up head from being like that for so long, especially with ‘B’ pushing down even more from above. I’d hate for my kid to come out looking like ‘Sloth’ from the Goonies.
I’m measuring 38+ weeks, and was told my uterus is ‘irritable.’ Well, I guess it matches the rest of me. The irritability is causing spasm-like pains all the time, but so far no dilation. Doc is confident there is no pre-term labor in my future. I know, that’s good…but another 6 weeks of this constant pain in my back, hips, pelvis, groin, legs etc isn’t sounding so good right now.

I’ve reached the point of weekly crotch checks and NST’s. Oh, the delight.

We’re discussing induction dates in a couple of weeks. I need a light at the end of the tunnel!